In memory of Sheila Denise Gray...

We had Sheila's visitation and services today. We had an absolutely AMAZING celebration service for her. I would not even call it a funeral! We had the visitation and service at her church. She was the first caucasian member of a church that was all african-american when she started attending, and she broke through so many bonds and changed so many people's perspective and I think it ended up being really symbolic that her services were on MLK Day kind of like one of her last ways of making a difference!!! Her husband was from the south and his dad still has a lot of those outlooks on black vs white, so she led her husband to the Lord and they were members there, which was a major accomplishment and blessing!! The church choir that she was a member of started the service singing a beautiful uplifting song, everyone was up clapping and worshiping! The service was filled with people getting up to share stories about Sheila, reading poems and scripture, singing songs, and singing the song that my aunt had been the soloist in the choir. It was an incredible way to remember her. She looked beautiful and even looked like she was smiling :) Ryan said it's not often that you can go somewhere feeling down and sad and leave feeling uplifted and happy. I can only hope that I make as big of an impact in my life that she did in hers. I want my rememberance ceremony to be as uplifting as hers!! I have never been a part of something so wonderful :)

We lost a wonderful woman yesterday

I guess it is difficult for me to sit down and write about this because it is so hard to put into words.

Wednesday of last week, the doctors told us that they could not do any treatment to help my Aunt Sheila because the cancer had progressed so much. They transferred her home with Hospice Friday afternoon. We ended up packing things and staying there Friday night, we thought we were going to lose her then. She held on strong and stabilized, but I wanted to be there so Ryan, Ethan, and my grandma have stayed there all week. She had very few moments of even having her eyes open or being responsive, and was the majority of the time in a coma-like state, which was so hard to see!! The little moments of her squeezing my hand when I didn't think she was aware, and watching her pull all her strength together to lift her arms and hug my grandma and my cousin are the things I hope I will remember most. My family spend the week at her side, talking, singing, praying with her and growing closer as a family. She passed away to Heaven yesterday morning at 5:45. It has been an incredibly difficult and emotional week, especially yesterday, and I'm sure it will continue for many days to come. However we are so happy she is in a better place, and hopefully God and time will help to heal our wounds, but she will be with us forever.

Thursday thoughts

The past week and a half has been a blur. I feel guilty like I have neglected Ethan... I have been at the hospital every chance that I could get, often until past his bedtime, and he has been such a trooper being there most of the time with us. I finally decided to take some time and stay home during the day today so he could get a real nap in his bed. The three of us took a bath in the big tub together and he just loved playing in all the water with his toys and splashed all over... and gave our walls a bath too :)

Ethan had his one year checkup yesterday with Dr. Leanza. I had tried to reschedule, but he is very busy, so we kept our appointment. Mr. Ethan is now 20 pounds, 4 ounces, and he is 28¾ inches long. Dr. Leanza was very happy with his development - walking independently, climbing the stairs, self feeding - and his social skills. He said Ethan is perfect, and is at or ahead where he should be with all of his development :)

In a way it is nice having Ethan at a time like this. He provides a happy distraction when life around us seems to be falling apart. I am so thankful for him :)

Yesterday we got very bad news about Aunt Sheila. For the past week and a half, we have been waiting on a treatment plan. The doctor came in yesterday and said that her liver has shut down and there is no treatment that they can do to help or stop the cancer. We have been forced to come to terms with this, which is incredibly difficult to do. They are planning to send her home tomorrow with Hospice. I am in complete shock... I can't believe that just a few weeks ago, we found out that she had a mass on her kidney, and then shoot forward to now and there are no treatment options. It seems so completely absurb to me as a medical professional that there is nothing that they can do. But cancer is such an unpredictable, destructive disease, and it has just taken over. I don't know how much longer she will be with us, unless God decides to intervene and heal her. The good news is that she seems comfortable now and hopefully she will stay that way, and maybe being back at home will help. The pain medication is so strong that she is asleep so much, and it is hard to see her so unresponsive a lot of the time. I miss her so much already.

Ethan's First Birthday!

One year ago today at 4:19 am, our precious baby boy, Ethan Christopher, came to this world and changed our lives forever. He is a precious gift from God. We are so thankful for him. Ethan is such a wonderful little boy... and I don't think we can call him "Baby Ethan" anymore!! He makes us laugh all the time, and is constantly changing. We had his first birthday party this evening... it was crazy and our house was full, but it was filled with love, family, and friends - everything you could ever need. We are so appreciative to those who came and those who sent their well wishes. Ethan seemed to thoroughly enjoy himself!! Ethan's new developments today... he wasn't able to walk too much during the party since we were filled to the brink, but after everyone left he took off like a little wild man walking across our entire first floor! He was going nonstop... must have had a sugar rush from his cupcake!! He is very steady on his feet now and just travelling around the house like he's been doing this forever. Yesterday, he also started holding the phone up by his ear and turning his hand in over his shoulder and he'll say "Ah?" like he is talking to someone. It is very funny to watch! He LOVES telephones... cell phones, plug in phones, cordless phones, toy phones... you name it, he knows what it is, and he will find it!! Simeon got Ethan his first toy phone, and he carried it around as he walked everywhere! Along with our photobooks we got the grandparents for Christmas, Ryan put together DVD's of home videos and also made a slideshow of Ethan's first year. We chose a few songs that were important to us and songs that described how we feel as parents! (Working on getting it uploaded... youtube is being stubborn!)

With everything going on with my aunt, this week has been completely overwhelming for me and everyone in my family. We've been at the hospital once or twice every day, and Uncle Rod has been staying with her around the clock. Trying to plan and get ready for Ethan's first birthday party tomorrow almost seems wrong to me to be planning a celebration while my aunt is doing so bad. Ryan took Ethan to his mom's because Dr. Weisenberger was supposed to come back this evening and thought her kidney biopsy results would be back. She ended up coming in around 7:45 with the results. She does have Stage IV renal cell cancer, bone mets, lymph node involvement around the kidney, and questionable liver involvement. She's contacting Cleveland Clinic and U. of Chicago on Monday for additional opinions on treatment. They're talking about doing either an IV or oral treatment, but are doing a brain MRI and echo this weekend and working on pain control until they decide what to do. Right now the focus is just trying to keep her more comfortable, so they changed around the settings on her pain pump before we went home. We were at the hospital most of the day, and Sheila had many visitors, and many prayers!! Aunt Emogene and Marty came up from North Carolina Wednesday night, and we got to visit with them this morning and have breakfast, so they got to meet out little man. It was so nice to see them :) We headed up to the hospital and then they had to make the trip back home. Quite a few members from Sheila's church came to visit and fellowship. It really helps her to have them near. God spoke in Room 310 many times today, and I'm sure He will continue to do so.

My (not-so-funny) story of the day... I decided to order Ethan's cake instead of making it myself (cupcakes in the shape of a 1) and went to pick it up and they used the wrong colors even though it was written right there and I provided them with a picture as well. I know that is so trivial compared to what else was going on, but I just wanted something to be taken care of that I wouldn't have to worry about. I burst into tears and couldn't even talk to the poor bakery lady, Ryan had to talk to her, and then I kept apologizing. I guess I just had everything built up inside of me and was trying to be strong for everyone and my family. I feel embarassed about what happened but I guess that is just the moment that all my emotions decided to come out.