A flood of memories

Wow. Aunt Sheila has really been on my mind this week, as well as my grandma's for sure. I watched So You Think You Can Dance tonight and just broke down over this dance. It was incredible...



Seeing the movements Melissa portrayed, the fragileness in the movements of her body... I look back and question myself, how could I NOT have known? How could I watch her grow weaker and more fragile and just not put it together? In such a short time period she went from being always on the go, high energy, full of exuberant life, to hardly being able to hold her precious granddaughter, or even just walk around??? It makes me incredibly angry at myself. I think about all the patients I see, that have the opportunity to FIGHT. I feel like she was cheated. Why didn't she get the chance to fight? Sometimes I just have to leave the room of my patient. It is really hard to deal with sometimes, seeing someone I am taking care of going through a similar situation. Questioning myself why I didn't make them take her to Bethesda. I feel like there is such an awesome, incredible, compassionate group of doctors and nurses there to take care of oncology patients. So many people working to help patients, and their families, to find all the answers, to do what ever treatment necessary. Why couldn't she have gotten treatment?? Would it have made a difference??

I know it is not my place to question God, and most days I do not. Moments like now, I just feel so helpless and saddened by what happened. By His grace, He has pulled me through a very difficult place. I would just like to make a bigger impact for Him, be a better witness for Him, a better inspiration for the life and the witness that Sheila was!!! God, I miss her so much.

Mammaw misses her immensely. Sheila would be so happy for her and Mammaw wishes she was here to see all that has been going on at her house - a complete bathroom remodel - who would have ever thought??? Maybe it is Sheila's way of shining down on her. Mammaw says she has everything she could ever want now to make her happy, so she can go to Heaven. LOL. I'm not ready to give her up yet :)